Radical Responsibility

Shells in the Sands Series # 11

The intention for this series is to share cherished thoughts and reflections of life in bite-size pieces. I have been an avid journal writer since my early teens, and most of the original writings were initially captured in my personal journal. I have chosen the most pertinent ones to share with the world through this series. This joy is similar to picking out beautiful shells while walking on a sandy beach.

There is a profound difference between believing, “My needs are not met” and “You did not meet my needs.”

The first statement invites self-compassion and understanding toward others involved. It acknowledges the imperfect nature of the world: Yes, my needs are not met, but I recognize you might have done your best, and I am grateful for that effort. It then shifts toward personal responsibility, prompting creativity: What steps can I take to meet these needs? What resources are available to me?

The second statement, however, lays blame and fosters resentment. It implies that someone else is at fault for your unmet needs, which often sows the seeds of estrangement in relationships.

A recent experience reminded me of this. After an intense morning of meetings, I was starving when my husband returned from shopping. He said he “brought me something,” but what he brought wasn’t suitable for lunch. He then enthusiastically showed me all the groceries he had picked, but I didn’t have the time to cook with only 20 minutes until my next meeting. His interruption frustrated me, as I had already planned a simple lunch, and he seemed disappointed that I wasn’t excited about his offerings.

Many remote workers will likely relate to this type of situation, where the line between personal and professional life is just a few steps away.

I could have focused on how my husband didn’t meet my needs, even feeling entitled to more support given that he is retired. But this would have led to unnecessary tension between us. Instead, I simply thought: Well, my needs are not met right now. Then I asked myself: What is my need at this moment? It was simple — a stress-free lunch. So, I adjusted my plan, made an even simpler meal, ate quickly, and carried on with my day.

This, to me, is an example of “taking radical responsibility,” as described in The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership as the first and most foundational commitment. Taking responsibility versus not makes such big differences in personal life, teams and organizations.

In one of my recent coaching sessions, a client sought help preparing for a major presentation. As we worked through it, her biggest breakthrough was realizing that everyone is responsible for their own learning and my role is to hold the space for learning.

This was a significant shift from the belief she brought into the session: I have to be the smartest person in the room, and I am responsible for everyone else’s learning experience.

What a transformation! This shift beautifully aligns with the process of dismantling myths that foster narcissism, as outlined in the book Everyday Narcissism:

Myth 1: We are responsible for — and can control — how other people feel and behave.

Myth 2: Other people are responsible for — and can control — how we feel and behave.

Myth 3: The needs and wants of others are more important than our own.

Myth 4: Following the rules is more important than addressing our needs and feelings.

The truth is simple: Everyone is responsible for their own feelings and behaviors.

I have carried a deep need to be seen, heard, and appreciated throughout my life — a need rooted in childhood trauma from losing my parents and growing up in an orphanage in China. For many years, I harbored resentment toward my biological family, especially my uncles, believing, You did not meet my needs, or worse, You are responsible for my suffering. This belief caused me immense pain.

After years of healing and countless transformative experiences, I have come to accept the fact that many of my needs were not met as I was growing up, and to embrace the belief that it is my responsibility to meet my needs.

As I prepare to reunite with some of my biological family members for the first time in nearly a decade, I feel at peace. For the first time, I am free from the expectation that they must see, hear, or appreciate me. Instead, I see, hear, and appreciate myself. My intrinsic value is not dependent on their recognition — or anyone else’s.

Amy Elizabeth Fox once said in the Coaches Rising podcast:“The world is an enchanted place, and you are asleep in it”(You can listen here: Love as a Transformational Tool). Now, I fully understand why her words resonated so deeply with me. The world indeed offers endless possibilities to have our needs met, but only if we take radical responsibility for waking up to those possibilities.