Separation Anxiety

Shells in the Sands Series # 12

The intention for this series is to share cherished thoughts and reflections of life in bite-size pieces. I have been an avid journal writer since my early teens, and most of the original writings were initially captured in my personal journal. I have chosen the most pertinent ones to share with the world through this series. This joy is similar to picking out beautiful shells while walking on a sandy beach.

The phrase “separation anxiety disorder” struck me twice within a month — first with my six-year-old nephew in China and again with the four-year-old son of a friend in South Carolina. The seemingly universal nature of this issue piqued my curiosity about its underlying cause.

At its core, separation anxiety seems rooted in the absence of a sense of security. Here, “security” is more relational than physical and deeply connected to the way children bond with their parents. This bonding, in turn, depends heavily on the quality of attention parents give.

In the South Carolina case, the mother works full-time from home while simultaneously caring for her son. As a result, her attention is often divided between her job and her child. It’s possible the boy equates “undivided attention” with “unconditional love,” leading him to feel uncertain about his mother’s love.

This challenge feels particularly relevant in today’s fast-paced, information-saturated world. Parents are constantly juggling multiple demands on their attention, and children rarely receive the deep focus they need — especially during their most critical developmental years. It’s like a young sapling trying to establish roots: if the roots remain shallow, the sapling fears drought; similarly, if a child receives only shallow attention, anxiety about separation from the parent — their primary source of security — can take hold.

Reflecting on my own childhood in the countryside, I feel deeply grateful for the way my parents and grandparents were present with me. Their consistent presence was a gift, one that feels increasingly rare in today’s world of endless distractions. I have immense compassion for modern parents, as beautifully captured by Thomas Merton’s quote:

“The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of contemporary violence. To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone and everything is to succumb to the violence of our times.”

My husband Roger also offered an insightful perspective on this. He believes children actually crave structure and discipline because it reassures them they are loved. His observation that “today’s children are always entertained, but never disciplined” resonated with me. I’m not advocating a return to outdated ideas like “spare the rod, spoil the child,” but I do believe discipline and structure can act as enabling constraints in complex tasks — parenting included. This connects to a broader concern I’ve noticed: many people today seem unprepared to navigate life’s increasing complexity, and this difficulty is especially evident in parenting.

In my nephew’s case, there are additional factors contributing to his separation anxiety. Beyond how his parents direct their attention toward him, two other elements play a role. First, my sister’s own fear of attachment, stemming from the early loss of her parents, which she and I are working through together (See more in this China Trip Series). Second, her extended absence during the COVID-19 pandemic while serving on the frontlines as a nurse further complicated their bond.

It’s important to identify both universal and individual factors contributing to separation anxiety, so we can begin the work of restoring security and connection. I have great faith in human resilience and believe these children — and many others facing similar challenges — can fully recover with the right intervention.