Making Space for …

Shells in the Sands Series #8

The intention for this series is to share cherished thoughts and reflections of life in bite-size pieces. I have been an avid journal writer since my early teens, and most of the original writings were initially captured in my personal journal. I have chosen the most pertinent ones to share with the world through this series. This joy is similar to picking out beautiful shells while walking on a sandy beach.

In a world constantly buzzing with activity and agendas, we often forget the profound power of making space. In this blog post, I advocate for making space for emergence, emotions, and acknowledgment — three powerful acts that can lead us to surprisingly beautiful places.

Emergence

MinMing Wang, former VP of Alibaba, is one of my most influential mentors. He is one of the few people I know who truly lives in a state of self-actualization. He left Alibaba because he was too comfortable there and now leads an initiative called “Parallel University,” which focuses on developing entrepreneurial capacity in youth.

In our last conversation, he imparted an important wisdom about the value of leaving blank space. He explained that in the activities he organizes, there is always ample open space for participants to generate their own agendas. “Entrepreneurship is about creating something new. By definition, something new lives in the space of the unknown. If we cram our agenda with everything we already know, there is no room to receive the new. We have to make room for the unknown.”

We need to make room for the unknown if we want innovation.

-MinMing Wang

This is the origin of how I became a big advocate for open space. Making space for emergence is like following up on an intention with an action. As the joke goes, one person keeps praying to win the lottery, until one day God has to say to them, “Will you buy a goddamn lottery ticket?” The lottery ticket is like the space for the unknown. If new ideas are what you are after, please make space for them.

In my coaching practice, I often observe people who wish to honor the process of emergence but fill their lives with constant activities. It’s simple yet challenging to hold space for the unknown. Embrace this intention with the bold action of leaving blank space in your life. It’s a beautiful example of “less is more”. It is a conscious shift from “control” to “trust”.

This wisdom also transforms my relationship with silence. In our culture, we often describe silence with the adjective “dead.” But what if we described silence as “generative”? I have experienced more generative silence than dead silence in group settings. More often than not, what emerges after silence is mind-blowingly insightful — if only we make space for it.

Emotions

For a long time, I was profoundly disconnected from my emotions. I remember blankly telling a German businessman, who was studying Mandarin with me in Shanghai in my early 20s, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” when he discussed the role emotions play in business decision-making and the importance of tuning into feelings.

Over the past decade, I have traveled a great distance in connecting with emotions. Many wonderful teachers and schools of thought have guided me along this journey, such as Non-Violent Communication, Theory U, and trauma-informed healing as practiced by Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score.

Recently, two significant learning opportunities have helped me make great strides. It feels like all my previous learning and training are finally taking root in me.

The first was engaging with the Enneagram, which is all about energy. Observing how my energy collapsed in response to external events, usually accompanied by strong emotions, such as fear, sadness and anger, was eye-opening. When I shared this with my coaching circle who started me on the Enneagram adventure, they asked profound questions: Can you allow your energy to collapse? Can you be present with low energy? Can you extend radical acceptance and compassion to your collapsed energy state? Initially resistant, I soon realized the wisdom in allowing rather than fighting.

This insight came from observing my ritual of yoga and meditation at the end of a workday. I often experience relaxing yawns during my practice, signifying that my body is feeling the tiredness from the day. Curiously, this is also the moment when my physical energy starts to restore, usually carrying me through the evening. Without this practice, my energy often continues to sink, sometimes lingering into the next day.

This is likely how burnout happens: extreme tiredness masks itself until we make space for it. The same applies to ailments — making space allows us to notice and address them before they take deep roots. We must make space to feel, notice, and fully embody tiredness before restoration can begin, just as we must make space to feel ailments before healing can start. It is about respecting the body’s natural intelligence. The same principle exists in nature: the coldest day of winter marks the beginning of warmth. This beautiful Yin/Yang dynamic is always at play.

The same principle applies to emotions. Making space to feel and embody them creates the opportunity for transformation. I am reminded of the beautiful quote from poet David Whyte:

“And I think self-compassion has to do with this ability to understand and even to cultivate a sense of humor about all the ways you just don’t want to be here — so to embody your reluctance and, therefore, once it’s embodied, to allow it to actually start to change into something else. Things only solidify when they’re kept at a distance. As soon as they’re embodied, they actually start to take on a kind of seasonality. And you’re actually, by embodying it, by feeling it fully, allowing it to start to change into something else.”

— David Whyte, Seeking Language Large Enough, On Being Podcast

My second learning was from the “feel, don’t suppress” commitment in the conscious leadership framework. As Jim Dethmer said, “I commit to feeling my feelings all the way through to completion…so they release all the way through.” I learned a beautiful process to name feelings, locate them in the body, describe sensations, match them with movement or sound until they shift, and listen for their wisdom.

These practices helped me realize my pattern of bypassing, justifying, or suppressing feelings through immediate storytelling, which leaves them stuck in my body. Now, I pause to make space, allowing emotions to pass through fully. Some emotions only take a few minutes to pass through while strong emotions may linger for days in waves — all are welcome. The gifts they have brought are amazingly beautiful.

Acknowledgement

Acknowledgment answers one of the deepest human yearnings to be seen and heard. During the past weekend, while assisting the Co-Active Fundamentals course with Eric Kohner and Gail Barker, I learned a profound lesson in giving acknowledgment.

We are accustomed to giving feedback. However, acknowledgment differs in that feedback often highlights areas for improvement, while acknowledgment recognizes qualities that do not need to be changed — qualities that simply need to be seen and noticed. Acknowledgment affirms our being, while feedback seeks to improve our doing.

I have numerous stories illustrating the profound impact of acknowledgment on me.

The first time my husband Roger heard my story of growing up in an orphanage, he was the president of the Rotary Club, and I was the Ambassadorial Scholar sponsored by Rotary to study in the United States. Upon hearing my story, he acknowledged me by saying, “You are so courageous and determined.” That acknowledgment created a significant opening in my heart toward him, leading to our friendship and eventually marriage.

Shortly before our first wedding anniversary, Roger had a massive heart attack that nearly cost him his life. After the ordeal, including an ambulance ride and a seven-day hospitalization, I recounted the experience to my sister back in China. She simply said, “You two have suffered.” Those four words resonated deeply within me. I felt seen and heard, and I experienced an energy shift from fear to hope. It was one of the most beautiful moments I shared with my sister.

Recently, I lost two dear friends — one to a tragic accident and the other to old age. The grief hit me differently, but I did the same for both: I wrote condolence letters to their surviving family members, acknowledging who they were and the gift of our relationship. I wasn’t expecting a response, but the act of giving acknowledgment was important to me in and of itself. It helped me move through the grieving process.

In the Theory U coaching circle methodology, after the case giver shares their case, there is a designed silence for resonance, followed by mirroring back with images, feelings, gestures, and key words. In the coaching circles I host, I can physically feel the energy expansion during this process. When I serve as the case giver, the mirroring back I receive is often the most helpful in moving me forward. The act of bearing witness is powerful in itself, often spurring action with surprising effects. Perhaps it is because once we feel seen and heard, we are ready to let go; the very moment we let go, we are creating space for new possibilities to emerge.

Ubuntu: I am because you are.

— African philosophy

Acknowledgment reminds me of the African word “Ubuntu,” meaning “I am because you are.” Ubuntu emphasizes the intrinsic interconnectedness and interdependence of individuals within a community. In the spirit of Ubuntu, truly acknowledging someone means recognizing their inherent worth and dignity. Nothing needs to be changed. You simply are. This acknowledgment not only affirms individual identity but also strengthens communal bonds, creating supportive and harmonious societies.

The Bigger Story

The capitalistic definition of productivity is a smaller story, confining us to busy doing within known realms. Making space for emergence, emotions, and acknowledgment leads us to a bigger story, beyond what our rational minds can comprehend. Trust will guide you there, with endless beauty awaiting…