Listening for Needs: Wisdom of Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent communication is the most impactful language of communication I have personally encountered. It is sometimes jokingly referred to as the “Martian” because it is so different from the deep seated, habitual fight, flight or freeze reaction patterns most of us are familiar with.
Even after attending four courses with Seed of Peace, on NVC foundation, transforming conflict, empathy and transforming anger, I probably only remember to practice NVC 10% of the time, and only succeed 1% of the time. In the heat of the moment, I have a lot of fight energy.
The good news is I can always reflect with “NVC replays”. I go back to the person and revisit the situation utilizing the classic NVC four steps: observation, feelings, needs and requests. It always deepens the connection, and moves the situation forward in constructive ways. I also go deeper into self-empathy. Acknowledging my own feelings and clarifying my own needs always brings about new perspectives, which in turn moves the relationship towards more connection, more empathy, more compassion.
NVC is like a new operating system for how we communicate. It is a wealth of wisdom. Two nuggets of wisdom that have been transformative for me are grounded in needs and deep listening.
Needs
Grounding communication in needs is my biggest takeaway from NVC.
When we are not in touch with our own needs, we are communicating out of blindness. Our feelings can take us and those around us down a rabbit hole that leads to nowhere.
It is important to recognize that behind each feeling there is a need. If we connect with each other at the level of needs, we can be creative about strategies to meet those needs. Conflicts take place at the level of strategies, not at the level of needs. Shared needs build common ground.
Clarification of my own needs in difficult situations has led to three dramatic changes in my life.
I am able to take more responsibility for my own needs by taking effective actions and drawing on my own inner resilience. As a result, I have seen a dramatic reduction of my own anger, as a lot of anger comes from frustration with unfulfilled needs.
In the same vein, I am able to grieve long-term unfulfilled needs. I learned that it is as important to grieve as it is to celebrate. When I am at a dead end in my pursuit of meeting certain needs in certain situations, I let them go. In the process, I connect with my inner source of creativity.
Best of all, clarity of my needs and discovery of my inner creativity enables me to let go of unrealistic expectations of others. Instead, I honor and acknowledge the boundary of everyone’s capacity and the limit of their roles. I ask questions such as: what can I do to meet this need? Is this person the only resource for me? What is that person’s need? How might we work together to meet both our needs in this specific situation? This perspective has helped me to avoid friction before it even arises.
When I change, the whole situation changes. The key to change is never in someone else’s hands.
Listening
A deepened practice in listening is another precious gift from NVC. I have always understood the importance of listening. Friends often call me a good listener. I also host intentional social spaces such as coaching circles to consciously practice listening.
NVC helps to take this one step further. I am much more content and centered in the listener’s seat because I have learned that listening is about giving attention to others. Listening is the gateway to empathy. As Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Buddhist teacher, poet, scholar, and peace activist taught, “Listening is a very deep practice. You need to empty yourself. You need to leave space in order to listen.”
“Listening is a very deep practice. You need to empty yourself. You need to leave space in order to listen.”
- Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist teacher, poet, scholar, and peace activist
How do we empty ourselves? The best way I have found is to be at peace with my own needs. Sometimes I think of the act of listening as offering a mirror for the speaker to see themselves in. That sense of clarity and peace cleanses the mirror. How can the mirror reflect anything when it is full of dust? How can we listen when our inner voices are screaming at us? We cannot. Listening is not easy.
What is not listening? The top two I have found are: listeners sharing their own stories and arguing with the speaker’s feelings.
Listeners sharing their own stories
So many times, when I share a challenging situation in search of some understanding and support, my listener jumps into their own stories before I even finish mine. I am sure at times I have done the same thing to others. It is not empathic because it draws attention back to the listener.
I often wonder why people do this. Maybe it is because your pain triggers their pain, and their own pain starts to scream at them and demands an outlet, or they are already stressed themselves, and have no emotional resources left for you, or they prefer to stay numb and need to protect themselves with distractions.
Here lies the true difficulty of listening: the ability to process pain in social spaces. As Thich Nhat Hanh taught, “Everyone is suffering, and no one wants to listen. We don’t know how to express ourselves so that people can understand. Because we suffer so much, the way we express our pain hurts other people, and they don’t want to listen.”
How to express, understand and metabolize pains in social spaces is a very big challenge. If each one of us can do better in each social interaction, I bet we will see a dramatic reduction in mental health problems.
Arguing with the speaker’s feelings
When I share difficult feelings such as disappointment, frustration, stress, nine of ten times I will encounter arguments. “You should not feel that way”, “You are doing great. Look at what you have. Be grateful.” All these suggestions are “right”, but feelings are often beyond the realm of right or wrong.
Feelings are not rational; they are fluid. They need to be seen and heard, and then they can be transformed.
When others share their feelings, it is an invitation to help them transform the feelings by bearing witness to them. Good therapists invite their clients to “notice that”. Some people show solidarity by saying “I don’t know what to say to you, but I am here, and I am listening to you. ” In many situations when difficult feelings are shared, the willingness to bear witness is enough for the speaker.
When people share their feelings, it is also a precious opportunity for service. If you listen to what is beyond their feelings, listen deeper into their needs, you might play a role in meeting those needs.
Listening for needs is a very important deep practice. It is a seed for peace.
